The Best Birthday Gift I Ever Got

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i’m laying on my couch in the dark again, listening to “Confirmation” on repeat. it’s a meditation - but today it’s also a celebration. my sister sent me My Favorite Song 5 years ago today, and i think that’s cool as hell.

Carter and i live about 15 minutes from each other these days - something i’m still getting used to. for the majority of the last decade and a half we’ve lived in different states. we’ve had more opportunities to go to shows together in the last year than most before, combined. i’m very thankful for the opportunity to see her more often.

when i was just starting college, Carter was starting high school. i’d check in for updates, often not getting much back. that’s OK! if you know me, you know i talk a lot, and i ask a lot, and that’s not everyone’s bag. she’s never been too wordy on that front, instead expressing herself through other creative - even mystical - outlets. it’s been awesome to see her work evolve over the years. she was finally free to find and deploy her own voice and taste after being subjected to mine at home and in the car growing up.

whenever i tell people about my sister, one of the first things i bring up is her taste in music. it’s eclectic, and wide-ranging, and sometimes Not Necessarily My Thing. she started sending me music when i was in college. we found a pretty good communication rhythm that way, though it took some time. even from the outset there was some real good shit in there, but it took some time for the hit ratio to get dialed in. at some point i remember asking “am i actually going to like this?” - and i’d get a “probably not” every now and then. i appreciated the honesty - doesn’t mean it was bad, just maybe Not For Me. she was calibrating! wonderful all the same.

years passed, refining the rhythm. it goes like this: i’ll send her some song i’m obsessed with, and she’ll say like “nice song!” or “pretty good!” and that’s fun - generous, even. then she’ll send me something rad, or freaky, sometimes scary. and then sometimes she sends me something that just rocks my fucking world. she’s introduced me to countless artists and albums and songs this way. always on top of it. and today, five years ago, on my 27th birthday, Carter sent me Westerman’s “Confirmation”.

“also this song is really dope”, Carter said. it’s never a big deal.

“this is very good”, i replied. uh huh. kind of a big deal, dude.

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over the last 5 years, “Confirmation” has taken hold as my favorite song. i think. it’s not an exact science - i sure do love a whole lot of songs. but i would say there’s a very good argument to be made for it: one that i’m about to make briefly and clumsily, since there’s no way i could encompass how much weight it carries for me.

“Confirmation” rewired my brain. it has an ethereal quality to it, transcending a moment in time. it’s a song that i can listen to and love in the car, or on a walk, but it’s also a kind of invocation i can turn to when i’m feeling sunk. i’ve spent many nights alone in the dark with it - it’s comforting and calming, unchanging, just as true as it was when i needed it last.

i’ve spent so many actual hours listening to this song on repeat in the dark when i’m feeling weird or stuck or just need a break. at this point it’s barely a song - more like a feeling that’s wallpapered itself along the edges of my thoughts, always there to let me disappear into it for a while. it’s cozy, and reassuring, and safe.

i’m still trying to figure out what i want, who i trust, where and how i’m happy, if i even am. i don’t have to have all the answers now, as much as i wish i did, and i spend a lot of time seeking the best version of now instead of finding joy in the version i’m getting. i’m still working on it. i wish it was easier! i overthink a lot - one of the things i do best (most? as if it’s something i have a say in) - and “Confirmation” is there to remind me that it’s ok to park, turn off the lights, and think a little less.

it’s weird to think that there’s a version of me that never heard the song. there’s a version where Carter never did either, or liked it but never sent it. i feel so fortunate that this version did. song fucking rips, and i’ll always be thankful for it. try listening to it in the dark when you need a few.

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Carter made the vibey art of me drifting on the couch to “Confirmation” without really knowing what this was gonna be about. thank you, Carter. this is all your fault. <3

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